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12-2-24
Psycho-Babble - 1
Psychological conversations for everyday use
Introduction
The aim of this column is to discuss psychological questions that are relevant to our community members. This can be achieved in two ways. One, personal questions written in from the readership of this paper or two, the discussion of questions and topics that come up in the course of my practice as a psychologist. The goal is to have a useful and hopefully entertaining dialogue. To stick with a uniform format I will be composing this column in a question/answer format even if the topic is of my own invention.
If you’d like to anonymously submit a question please visit https://www.eastside-cbt.com/blog
The Question
I have twin boys. They share the same birthday but that’s just about all they have in common. My “older” son fits more into the typical boy stereotype. He’s into sports and likes to play outdoors with his friends on the block. He’s into action movies and video games and is more loud and boisterous. My “younger” son is actually the same size as his brother but he doesn’t have any of the same interests. He’s an indoor kid. He’s into fantasy books and media, isn’t particularly athletic, and prefers to play games on his computer and code. Both of my boys are actually happy. They have friends but interact with them differently and they both do well in school.
The problem that I have is that I am more like my “older” son. I’m more into sports and athletics. I played basketball and football with my friends when I was a kid and while I’m digitally competent, I’m not a coder nor do I have any particular interest in the world of tech. If my “younger” son was my only child I know that I could “fake” or at least encourage myself to find interest in his activities and that would probably be ok. But since I have both boys I’m worried that my “younger” son will think that I love the “older” one more. As much as I may try to be interested in minecraft or his Raspberry Pi (I still don’t know what this is), I am pretty sure that he can tell that I’m happier watching the Giants lose with my “older” son. Do you have any advice on how I can convince my “younger” son that I really love him equally even though our interests are different?
The Answer
Before I begin I want you to know that you are definitely NOT the first person to find themselves in this position. As you noted already, it's difficult, even with an only child, to relate and connect with a son that you share little in common with. As such, your query is relevant to any parent whose interests differ from their child’s. I think we can try to solve this problem with two equally important strategies: find the common ground and balance the scale.
Find the Common Ground
You already began with the first step of finding the common ground by “trying to be interested in minecraft.” Yes, it’s absolutely important to try to look interested in your child’s interests. However, you can't stop at “looking interested,” you need to try to be interested. I know this is a tall order, but to begin with, spend some of your own time researching the things he’s interested in. Find articles, read books, watch videos on youtube. When you spend time pretending you may actually begin to understand why your son is interested in these topics and perhaps you won’t have to fake it so much. You may even develop a slight interest yourself, if you’re lucky enough.
If this doesn’t work, or in tandem, focus on some of the universals that you probably do have in common. Food is the first thing that comes to mind. Go out to eat, get a slurpee, enjoy a treat together. Even if you are eating a burger and he’s eating sushi, enjoying a delicious meal together is enjoyed by everyone. Think about other activities such as paintball shooting, going to a driving range and smacking some golf balls (this is fun even if you’re terrible at it), amusement parks, arcades, bowling (with the bumpers up so it’s non competitive and silly), axe throwing, water balloon fights, or go-cart riding. The important thing about this list is that it isn’t necessarily a top interest of either of you but something that you would both enjoy. Forcing either of you to adopt the other’s interest IS NOT ENOUGH and it doesn’t often work.
Remember: this needs to be one-on-one time. If it’s shared with a sibling your son doesn’t get that special, individual attention.
Balance the Scale
Balancing the scales in this instance actually looks more like overcompensating. You have to realize that 10 minutes of watching football with your older son does not equal 10 minutes of talking about minecraft with the other. As you already noted, your younger son probably knows that you enjoy his 10 minutes far less than the 10 minutes with his brother. You may not realize it, but you are probably already spending extra time with your “older” son by the mere fact of your shared interests. If he’s watching the football game you may just naturally sit with him and have a nice, unplanned bonding experience. Your challenge is to overcompensate by providing more time and attention with your younger son. He may know that you like football more but he will hopefully take notice if you spend 10 extra minutes with him. Your younger son will likely need more of that special time than his brother. This might be more time with him before bed, driving solo in the car together, or at any of those universal enjoyable activities I mentioned in the previous paragraph. The hope is that your younger son thinks to himself “I know my Dad really enjoys watching football with my brother, but look at the time, effort, and attention he gives me.”
A Final Note
It’s ok to speak some of this out with your son (obviously depending on his age). You can explain to him what you’re thinking and what you’re concerned about. Sometimes just telling him that you care enough about his worries to put words to them can be tremendously impactful. Try something like this: “I know it must be hard for you sometimes when you see your brother and me enjoying things together that you’re not interested in. It’s ok to have different interests from me and it doesn’t make me love you any less. In fact I love spending time doing our special activities. I may spend my time differently with the two of you but I love you both the same.”
11-4-24
Headlines Making you Crazy? - Managing the Strain of Current Events
It’s probably safe to say that anxiety is the most “popular” mental illness of the day. We know this to be true from the myriad of lectures in our local communities, the preponderance and popularity of books such as Jonathan Haidt’s “The Anxious Generation,” and the introduction of the new character “Anxiety” into Disney’s Inside Out 2. Our researchers and news programs proclaim an anxiety epidemic with studies suggesting an incidence of an anxiety disorder anywhere between 19% in adults to 31% in adolescents. My intent is not to be just another doomsayer but rather talk about anxiety in the context of current events and present a few suggestions on how to manage those anxieties.
Current events, be it the election, politics in general, or the situation in Israel have been an enormous source of anxiety for many people. I used the word ‘manage” in the previous paragraph intentionally because anxiety is a natural and often useful emotion that cannot and should not be exercised from our bodies. Here is the quick APA definition of anxiety: “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.” Anxiety is differentiated from fear in that fear is a more specific and short lived response to a clearly identified threat, while anxiety is a longer-lasting feeling about a broader and less specific threat. It’s the difference between a fear of failing a chemistry exam and failing to succeed as a chemist.
Current events have increasingly been the source of anxiety as 24-hour news programming, click-bait journalism, and social media raised the intensity and urgency of current events. News platforms are rewarded for our engagement and therefore employ greater and more sensational headlines and algorithms to grab our attention. Calamity is more attractive than calm in the world of media. With smartphones and social media we find these sensational headlines at our fingertips, pinging us with endless notifications. It is very difficult to shelter ourselves from the incessant barrage of news, especially when we value being up to date with current events surrounding the elections and most importantly with the situation in Israel. How do we balance and maintain calm while at the same time remaining informed, empathic, and in solidarity with our brothers and sisters in Israel and the world over?
Frequency and Duration: Prior to the advent of the 24-hour news channel by CNN in 1980, and its rise to prominence during the 1991 Gulf War, people received their news via the newspaper in the mornings and the evening news. Consider adopting a similar model. Only check the news in the morning and in the evening, and only consume that news for a specific amount of time. Keep it to a maximum of 20 minutes. This helps avoid being shackled to the headlines all day and reduces the chances of being sucked in the vortex or rumination, brooding, and doomscrolling.
Reign It In: News articles catch your eye with sensational and oftentimes over hyperbolic statements. Every side of the political spectrum does this. Yes, even your side. Ask yourself if their claims sound realistic, rational, or probable? Even if the events being published are verifiably true, do the catastrophic consequences that the journalist, or even you for that matter, predict seem likely? Or further ask yourself, if the dreaded outcome were to occur, how would you actually deal with it? Oftentimes we ask ourselves “what if” questions and fail to answer them. When we actually answer them we often find that they are more manageable than we thought.
Focus On What YOU Can Do: Very often we experience the news and current events as incapable bystanders. When we become overwhelmed with all of the horrible things in the world we feel hopeless and powerless to make and change. But if we focus our energies on things we can change, we can harness that anxiety and channel it into productive and positive pursuits. If you are anxious about politics, get involved in something that you can make a difference. Think about organizations like TeachNJ/NY, AIPAC, local government, letter writing campaigns to your representatives in congress, and of course, vote. We are all very anxious about the wars in Israel and the hostages still being held by Hamas. Write thank you letters to IDF soldiers and IDF families; condolence letters to grieving families; letters of hope and solidarity for families of the hostages; donate to reputable charities; daven, learn, and say Tehillim; and make a Kiddush Hashem to help improve that Jewish brand.
Stay Healthy: This is pretty obvious but still bears mentioning. Make sure that you are eating well and at appropriate times; sleeping enough and at consistent times; exercising regularly; keeping your mind occupied with things other than news, current events, and social media; connect with real people in the real world, not just online; tap into spirituality, be it through Judaism or other avenues such as nature, art, or music; and be mindful of your thoughts feelings, and physical well being.
Understanding the causes and tools for managing the anxieties around current events will hopefully give us all a much better sense of control and some much needed respite from the chaos of our complicated world.
Jon Lamm, Ph.D is a Clinical Psychologist, and director of Eastside CBT, a psychology group practice located in Manhattan and Bergen County. He can be reached at DrJLamm@gmail.com or Eastside-CBT.com