Psychological Conversations For Everyday Use
Introduction
The aim of this column is to discuss psychological questions that are relevant to our community members. This can be achieved in two ways. One, personal questions written in from the readership of this paper or two, the discussion of questions and topics that come up in the course of my practice as a psychologist. The goal is to have a useful and hopefully entertaining dialogue. To stick with a uniform format I will be composing this column in a question/answer format even if the topic is of my own invention.
If you’d like to anonymously submit a question, you may do so here: https://forms.gle/HLqbRExDZpjiabT77
The Question
I have twin boys. They share the same birthday but that’s just about all they have in common. My “older” son fits more into the typical boy stereotype. He’s into sports and likes to play outdoors with his friends on the block. He’s into action movies and video games and is more loud and boisterous. My “younger” son is actually the same size as his brother but he doesn’t have any of the same interests. He’s an indoor kid. He’s into fantasy books and media, isn’t particularly athletic, and prefers to play games on his computer and code. Both of my boys are actually happy. They have friends but interact with them differently and they both do well in school.
The problem that I have is that I am more like my “older” son. I’m more into sports and athletics. I played basketball and football with my friends when I was a kid and while I’m digitally competent, I’m not a coder nor do I have any particular interest in the world of tech. If my “younger” son was my only child I know that I could “fake” or at least encourage myself to find interest in his activities and that would probably be ok. But since I have both boys I’m worried that my “younger” son will think that I love the “older” one more. As much as I may try to be interested in minecraft or his Raspberry Pi (I still don’t know what this is), I am pretty sure that he can tell that I’m happier watching the Giants lose with my “older” son. Do you have any advice on how I can convince my “younger” son that I really love him equally even though our interests are different?
The Answer
Before I begin I want you to know that you are definitely NOT the first person to find themselves in this position. As you noted already, it's difficult, even with an only child, to relate and connect with a son that you share little in common with. As such, your query is relevant to any parent whose interests differ from their child’s. I think we can try to solve this problem with two equally important strategies: find the common ground and balance the scale.
Find the Common Ground
You already began with the first step of finding the common ground by “trying to be interested in minecraft.” Yes, it’s absolutely important to try to look interested in your child’s interests. However, you can't stop at “looking interested,” you need to try to be interested. I know this is a tall order, but to begin with, spend some of your own time researching the things he’s interested in. Find articles, read books, watch videos on youtube. When you spend time pretending you may actually begin to understand why your son is interested in these topics and perhaps you won’t have to fake it so much. You may even develop a slight interest yourself, if you’re lucky enough.
If this doesn’t work, or in tandem, focus on some of the universals that you probably do have in common. Food is the first thing that comes to mind. Go out to eat, get a slurpee, enjoy a treat together. Even if you are eating a burger and he’s eating sushi, enjoying a delicious meal together is enjoyed by everyone. Think about other activities such as paintball shooting, going to a driving range and smacking some golf balls (this is fun even if you’re terrible at it), amusement parks, arcades, bowling (with the bumpers up so it’s non competitive and silly), axe throwing, water balloon fights, or go-cart riding. The important thing about this list is that it isn’t necessarily a top interest of either of you but something that you would both enjoy. Forcing either of you to adopt the other’s interest IS NOT ENOUGH and it doesn’t often work.
Remember: this needs to be one-on-one time. If it’s shared with a sibling your son doesn’t get that special, individual attention.
Balance the Scale
Balancing the scales in this instance actually looks more like overcompensating. You have to realize that 10 minutes of watching football with your older son does not equal 10 minutes of talking about minecraft with the other. As you already noted, your younger son probably knows that you enjoy his 10 minutes far less than the 10 minutes with his brother. You may not realize it, but you are probably already spending extra time with your “older” son by the mere fact of your shared interests. If he’s watching the football game you may just naturally sit with him and have a nice, unplanned bonding experience. Your challenge is to overcompensate by providing more time and attention with your younger son. He may know that you like football more but he will hopefully take notice if you spend 10 extra minutes with him. Your younger son will likely need more of that special time than his brother. This might be more time with him before bed, driving solo in the car together, or at any of those universal enjoyable activities I mentioned in the previous paragraph. The hope is that your younger son thinks to himself “I know my Dad really enjoys watching football with my brother, but look at the time, effort, and attention he gives me.”
A Final Note
It’s ok to speak some of this out with your son (obviously depending on his age). You can explain to him what you’re thinking and what you’re concerned about. Sometimes just telling him that you care enough about his worries to put words to them can be tremendously impactful. Try something like this: “I know it must be hard for you sometimes when you see your brother and me enjoying things together that you’re not interested in. It’s ok to have different interests from me and it doesn’t make me love you any less. In fact I love spending time doing our special activities. I may spend my time differently with the two of you but I love you both the same.”
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